The Arsenal Fan - a diverse species....
Good evening, welcome to BBC 8, the home of inane drivel. Later, at 9:30pm we have a treat for you as Piers Morgan goes to Papua New Guinea and serves himself up as dinner to the cannibalistic locals, but now we present to you a nature documentary of a different kind.......
On this beautiful planet we live in, amongst the countless groups, gaggles, prides and murders of species that exist, the general rule of thumb is this; the group comes first. Hunt and provide for the rest. Specified roles, hunter, babysitter, watcher. Tonight, however, I will present to you a collective that offers the finger to Mother Natures rules, that relish the battles and wars that are produced from being a member of this genus. Tonight, I will bring to you The Arsenal Fan.
As opposed to most species, the Arsenal Fan, or to use the latin term for the collective, Cannonus Crazus, are located throughout the land. No definitive DNA or framework applies to this curious classification, only that they can be sporadically recognised by plumage of a red and white colouring. One rule that does mirror nature is there is a hierarchy within the Cannonus Crazus. Within my ten year research of this fascinating coterie, I mapped what had previously been unmapped. I painstakingly placed all gangs of the Arsenal Fan, all groups and placed them within a hierarchal framework.
Top of the tree, respected by all, held up as the finest example of the genus would be:
The Away Boys - ferventium fannus
This gaggle of Cannonus Crazus are known for their migratory instincts, travelling internationally in order to survive. Their knowledge is unsurpassed and all other groups of this species put them up on a pedestal as do a pride of lions revere the hunter of the group.
One of the main branches of the tree would be:
Season Ticket Holders / Match Regulars - disposius incomium
Indigenous to North London, This group is the largest of all the factions within the Cannonus Crazus. Famed for their devotion to the cause, they manage to multitask responsibilities with the weekly patronage to the nest. A fine example of their species.
Another main faction would be:
Armchair Fans - SkySportsum et snacksus
These fans are synonymous for the absence of the weekly patronage to the nest. Instead, using an evolved sense of direction, pray to a totem placed in the general direction of their spiritual home. Often derided by their more illustrious neighbours mentioned above, but love the nest no less. Occasionally suffer from a lack of perspective which seems to be given to all who visit the nest.
A new branch of fans have been spotted recently and much like the American Crayfish threatening the native breed, these fans have ruffled feathers upon arrival:
The Negative Ones - nevergoodenoughius changeforthesakeofchangeium
This gaggle of fans is spreading rapidly, aided by the famous decline of 06-14 of the species. This allowed the Negatives to gain a foothold amongst the other groups. Regularly with no real meaning to their existence, they seek to live amongst the chaos that they spread. Main habitat seems to be the plains of Twitter.
Two duelling groups next. They are the AKB's and the WOB's. Fossils found in the Highbury area indicate that during 06-14 era, the TrophyLessaceous era, these two groups spawned from all other gangs, encompassing all. Two completely different genomes, two entirely different outlooks. The feud threatens to muscle out all elements as the frenzied nature of the groups overshadows the natural equilibrium of the Cannonus Crazus. It is a very real danger. Overzealous fighting has led to a culling of the species on Twitter.
The Cannonus Crazus is a complex, diverse breed. Faced with a constant threat from the Chavus Oligarchium and other predators that have evolved at a ridiculous rate since an oil leak contaminated the drinking water, altering the DNA, they have rose above the escalating adversity and thrived. Even when the outbreak of the Spurican Shadowitis virus threatened to oust them from the higher echelons of the food chain, they were united and survived.
It has been such an honour to survey and watch these fascinating creatures. Any other animal would surely become extinct when opposed with menaces such as the magnitude of the aforementioned. To then thrive so well is a testament to the strength they possess. The AKB's and the WOB's will test that strength to it's limits. Thank you for watching.....
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This skewed version of events was sparked by conversations I've had over the last few weeks with fellow 'fans'. Conversations that have me question whether a few of them are actually fans. It also made me go through my extensive follower count and cull, swinging my cyber cutlass with meaty zeal. I now have a TL with a varied opinion but with less moronic comments (I can't cull myself so the moronic element will never be forever cleared).
I'm a fan that gets to go to 1-2 games a season, at a push. I realise it's a paltry amount, but no-one could say I'm not a proper fan. A presence at games is not the only entry requirement to the party. I'm a member of Fanshare. I've been a Red Member for years. I spend a ridiculous amount of money on merchandise, merchandise I will never use (who needs an Arsenal interactive DVD quiz?). I own some excellent memorabilia that would bring a pretty penny and I pride myself on the level of knowledge I have.
If I could get to the Emirates more often I would. My disposable income with a mortgage and a car that is less reliable than a forgetful dyslexic in a library, renders me unable to visit, even though I never feel more alive than when I'm there. I adore the place more than any other. If I withdrew money to go to a match and worship at the alter instead of spending it on assorted scatter cushions, or the months supply of toilet roll my wife would be walking around with a wonderful set of testicle-earrings. I unfortunately have to prioritise and my house and living come first. Not in my mind. Arsenal are my beloved, but adult rules do not permit me to sleep on the pitch and have my dream job of being Dan Roebucks replacement. I wish I could put them first and earn more that could then be spent at the Emirates or arranging away travel, but many things don't allow me to. The Away Boys do a fantastic job of representing the team away from home and every time I tweet that they're doing great, keep up the singing etc, I mean every word. I just wish I could join them.
I personally err on the AKB side of things. I think he's done and shown enough in his years with us, but especially in the last few years when faced with such long odds, that he deserves and warrants our respect and trust. Yes, he makes mistakes. He isn't infallible. The fact he only makes subs in the 70th minute nearly every game is something I can't understand but I personally think his intellect outweighs his shortcomings. The conversations I've had recently, including speaking to a 'Gooner' who professed to wanting JW10 to break both legs, have had me question motives and the perceived hierarchy within the fans network. I've never mentioned how little the number of games I go to because I fear that people will see me as less of a fan. Now I think 'fuck this', as the people who I respect know that I fucking love the Cannon and the others I've unfollowed. Let's just support the club and enjoy this run of games we've got coming up, they're an indicator that we're on the road to success. Let's just support.
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