"Ladies and Gentlemen, it’s that time again, it’s tiiiime to plaaaayy……."
Crowd chorus of ” STRIKER OR BUST!!!! “
"Yes it is, and here is your host, PHIIIILLL McCRAAAACKEEENNNN!"
A perma-tanned c*nt-alike sashays down the stairs that divide the studio audience. Bedecked in a suit jacket so shiny it would require eye surgery to look directly at it, coupled with bottle green chinos and white leather loafers, Phil’s outfit isn’t for the faint hearted. His hair is quiffier than Olivier Girouds’ after his 3rd rancid sex session and his smile is taken directly from the sexual predator catalogue. If you look in the dictionary for the words ”c*nt” and ”cringy“, Phils’ face would be staring directly at you. As he gambles down the stairs, he awkwardly high-5’s members of the audience, desperately attempting to identify with current trends. He finally makes his way to centre stage…..
"Hi there, Howdy, Hello, GUTEN-TAG!!!! I’m delighted to be here, what a show we have in store for you lovely people, last weeks show was an absolute stormer, with David Moyes from Scotland using the Gamble and ending up with Fellaini which ultimately led him to miss out on the Showcase Showdown. Who do we have to play this week Graham?"
"Well Phil, tonight the draw was made and tonights contestant will beeeeeee…… Arsène WENGER!!!!”
Arsène looks around shocked. His face then morphs into a massive grin and he excitedly stands up, hugs Pat Rice and bolts down the stairs to the stage.
Arsène stands next to smarmy Phil, who attempts to hug him, Arsène Gallicly shrugs his arm off.
"Well, congratulations Arsène! This is your chance to win your dream player and a car! ( OOOHHH!!! ) Now, is there anyone you want to say hello to before we start?“
"Well, I’m leetle-beet nervous, buuuut, I would like to say bonjour to Pat, Thierry, Dennis and Mathieu, they are leetle-beet in the audience, and ‘ello mama"
Arsène looks into the camera and waves goofily…..
"Ok, Arsène, back to me. This is the first part of your journey, your choice of position. What position would you like to strengthen?"
The camera pans to a lively audience who vociferously start shouting random positions. Cries of ”CENTRAL DM!” ”GK!” and ”LEFT WING!” reverberate around the studio, with the odd shout of ”DEEP MID-WICKET!“.
Arsène looks at the audience, his brow furrows. Phil shoves the mic under his ample nose and asks:
”Soooo, Arsène, what’s it to be?“
"Ok Pheel, I think I’ll go foooor……… (the previously riotous crowd quieten, a hush falls over like a fire blanket, amping the tension.)…..Striker!!!“
"Arsène has gone for striker! What does this mean Graham?"
"Well Phil, you d*cksplash, now Arsène has made a choice of position, as this is a game of choices, we have 3 further huge decisions for him. It all hinges on Arsènes’ power of deduction…“
At the mention of Arsènes deduction skills, a section of the crowd groan loudly……
"Now, Arsène, I want you to watch the big screen as our Graham shows you what you could win, good luck with your choice Arsène"
In a ‘Who wants to be a Millionaire’ style lights down moment, all the illumination around the studio dims dramatically, leaving just one big red spotlight hanging over Monsieur Wenger. You could hear a pin drop amongst the easily led, sheep-like audience. They eat this sh!t up.
"Arsène, here is Choice No.1….”
The audience, right on cue, produce an ”OOOHHH“.
"Arsène, your 1st choice is Marco Reus, a 24yr old who plays for BVB. This season he has 23 goals and a wonderful 22 assists from 40apps, last season 19 from 47apps. His main strengths would be his speed, his adaptability, versatility and technique. Still not at his peak, this Wunderkind has 3 more seasons to run on his contract, so no bargains this time round, he’ll cost you no less than £35m…"
"Arsène, it’s time for your 2nd choice“…..
The audience once more produce the customary ”OOOOHHH“
"Arsène, your 2nd player is Mario Balotelli. This fiery nutjob may be hard to control and if not tamed may be a divisive influence in the dressing room, but if Flamini can tame him then, boy oh boy has this kid got talent. A firecracker of a shot, brilliant presence and positioning, this player has a record of 18 goals and 8 assists from 40 apps. This is made even more impressive by the fact his current team are struggling more than Oscar Pistorius’ Private Home Security Co. His contract again runs until 2017, but a bid of £30m may be enough to net the 24yr old Italian."
"Time for your 3rd and final choice“…..
The audience erupt with a cacophony of ”HE’S ANOTHER GIROUD!“
“Arsène, your 3rd choice is Mario Mandzukic. A less attractive option than the 1st 2, but no less effective. A tower of strength and the strongest of the 3 in the air, Mandzukic would surely benefit with the precision of Ozil behind him. Used frequently by Pep at Bayern, he’s made 50 apps this season, with 27goals plundered and 11 assists. This 27yr old will get you goals and his contract is one year shorter than Reus and Balotelli, so a smaller fee is guaranteed. For the economist in you, Mandzukic is the prime choice. Over to you Phil, you f*cking conniving c*ntweasel.“
"Ahem, thank you Graham. So, Arsène, 3 strong choices, all with different strengths and plus points, all available with your "warchest" at your disposal. What a choice to make. I wouldn’t like to be you! SOO, WHAT’LL IT BE PROFESSOR?"
The camera pans to Wenger, his brow deeper than John Major was inside Edwina Currie. The audience are braying at him, with hoarse shouts of all players names. The camera then dramatically swings to a close up of Phils’ make-up clad face. The pock marks that lurk beneath the concealer give his skin the look of a driveway badly lain by pikeys.
"YOU’LL HAVE TO WAIT TO FIND OUT FOLKS, AS THAT’S THE END OF THE SERIES! WE’RE BACK ON AUGUST 31ST TO FIND OUT WHAT ARSÈNE WILL DO, UNTIL THEN, STAAAAYYY CHHOOOOOSSSYYY!!!!!“
This convoluted nonsense was a roundabout way of portaying the choices faced by Arsène. The main choice he has to make. I was listening to the ever-excellent ’A Bergkamp Wonderland podcast‘, and they were intently discussing the pros and cons of our striker options. As I was listening whilst driving through South London suburbs, a flash of inspiration struck me. I say inspiration, you will say utter stupidity. You see, this choice, whilst it sounds kosher in my mind, could be misconstrued as laziness on the managements part. I’m going to attempt to show you what I think could be the ultimate gamble by Wenger. This was my main point all along, I just didn’t have the bottle to show you. So I wasted all that time writing about a f*cking gameshow-themed blog. I know. I’m a cretin. Please don’t lynch me for this, I just think it should be considered…….
The ultimate Gamble. The 4th choice. The cheaper option. Use Theo Walcott.
We have all bemoaned the fact that, if we had a viable option other than sometimes motionless Ollie, our title prospects wouldn’t have wilted quicker than Max Clifford slipping a star-struck teen into his back seat. Coupled with our woeful injury record, we didn’t stand a chance.
Stay with me now. My point is, that if Theo stayed fit, if he didn’t get stretchered off, albeit with a glorious goodbye Vs spurs, then who’s to say that he wouldn’t have been used as an alternative to Giroud when Olly was having one of his fugues. Like last season. Speculation? Let me stat you b!tches.
Last season, he made an admirable 43 apps. Scored 21 goals. That is eerily similar to the cream of Europe we were mentioning earlier. We know he can do the job. He also has that attribute we know Wenger values most….pace. Bags of it. Oodles. He’s got a storeroom full of it. How’s about we look at assists? Does 16 seem sufficient? Bearing in mind that was last season and he’s grown as a player since then? Also remembering he wasn’t playing with the ilk of Mesut Özil supplying him, he didn’t have the Rambo we have now, the Rambo who emerged from a chrysalis and has shown he is truly world class.
Is it truly ludicrous a jump in my imagination (I realise the sh!te I’ve written recently doesn’t lend itself well to me making assumptions about my state of mind) to see Theo playing up top, either on his own on the break or alongside Olly, feeding off his flick ons? Would he really be starved of service if all our creative players stayed fit for the majority? No. The Big guy/Little guy combo works if tried. It even made Emile Heskey seem useful. I’m not saying we should convert to 4-4-2, that’s really not what I’m getting at. What I’m trying to illustrate, is that Theo should be considered for the ST spot. I don’t think Olly, Theo and Yaya are enough up top. I think David Villa would be a wonderful addition, but let’s also be honest, we’ve got enough funds to go gunning for the big boys.
Let’s just consider Theo. His stats match up. His performances match up (mostly), I think he warrants it. If Marco or Mario make the right sounds, let’s do it, we’d be idiots not to, but Theo really has it all. That’s all. I’m done. If I do get lynched, can you at least tickle my bum before I choke, it works for me……
@jokmanafcTell us what you think! If you agree, or have a different view, please leave a comment in the comments section or why not write a response or your own article on YouWrite?
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