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Saving Khedira From A Future Of Obesity

Hola amigos y amigas. Pardon my Spanish, it's just I'm still a bit shocked that we signed Alexis Sanchez. At the time, I wasn't too interested because it was looking likely for quite a while, but as time has passed, I've found myself struggling to believe that we've actually bought him. Does anyone have any song ideas for the man? I need something to belt out with my beautiful singing voice reminiscent of a constipated elephant that's being eaten by a lion that's having intercourse with a Martian.

Please leave any suggestions down below, I'd love to hear some of your ideas.

Like I said last week, I'm not going to go in depth about the signing of Sanchez because everything useful has been said already, and basically anything I have to say generally isn't too informational or helpful as it is. I am really interested to see where he will play, but personally I want him to play up front. At times last season, we relied on crosses too much as we had a big ol' French bloke up front to try and knock them in, but with Sanchez, our midfielders will be forced to be a bit more clever with it.

That really suits our boy Mesut, you know, that guy who played an integral part in winning the FA Cup and the World Cup, but still manages to "nick a living." If that man is "nicking a living," then I wonder what Neil Ashton is doing. Other than making himself look like an absolute moron who doesn't understand football and couldn't see a good player if you taped a picture of one to the underside of his eyelids and taped them shut, of course. Although I don't think anyone physically could. It's a metaphor, okay? You know what I meant.

In newer news, Sami Khedira is a greedy scumbag. Widespread reports claim that he's demanding somewhere around £200,000 a week. Do you know what you could do with £200,000 a week? Well, let me enlighten you. With £200,000 a week, you could buy 100,000 boxes of 36 Jaffa Cakes from ASDA on a weekly basis. That's 3,600,000 Jaffa Cakes every week. That's 16,200,000 Calories every week. To burn all of that off (assuming you're a 27 year old male weighing in at 179 lbs, like Khedira himself), you would have to do about 38,571 hours of power yoga a week. Now, those of you that have a brain will realize that that isn't physically possible. So, you see, Khedira's demands aren't healthy. We should offer him £5 a week for his own safety.

If he isn't down for that, let's just move on. Paying him £70,000 a week more that Mesut Özil is pure insanity, and players like Schneiderlin and Bender will demand far less and offer about the same in terms of quality. They would all improve us, and I'll be happy as long as we actually end up buying a defensive midfielder. I really think it'll work wonders for Ramsey, who'll be able to roam freely up the pitch without having to worry too much about leaving the defense exposed. What does that mean? Goals, and a lot of them. I enjoy goals, especially when they're scored by our very own Welsh Jesus.

Apparently the Debuchy deal should be going through any day now. Everyone's saying that everything is completed, and that it is legitimately a "done deal," so I like to imagine they're taking this long because the photo shoot is going to be utterly beautiful. I mean you know, I'm a completely straight man, but nothing gets me going like an attractive Arsenal player. Why do you think I like Giroud so much?

The U-Turn that we reportedly made on Aurier is a bit weird, and I'd still really like him at the club, but I can understand the club's decision to opt for experience. With guys like Bellerin and Jenkinson trying to break through, there's really no need to pay the premium for youth at this point. Plus, Sagna was a big leader for us, so hopefully Debuchy will be able to take a bit of that role too. (On a side note: both players have wives of the name Ludivine. Unfortunately Mrs. Debuchy simply cannot compare to the wonder that is Mrs. Sagna.)

To wrap up the current transfer news, we're apparently interested in Colombian keeper David Ospina. He'll be really cheap, and he looked quality at the Corrupt Cup, but I don't see the need for him. Hopefully the competition will benefit Szczesny rather than harm him, because I really like having a Pole in goal. It just sounds right.

I wouldn't have been opposed to buying a young, unknown French goalie who I'm sure Wenger would be comfortable getting, and just letting him compete with someone like Damian Martinez for the second spot. I'm not a fan of having too much rotation in the spot where you want the most consistency, so I'd much prefer seeing the second choice goalkeepers having a threat than our first-choice. Having said that, I'm not the manager who led an unbeaten season in the most competitive league in the world, so maybe I shouldn't be talking.

Finally, Jack was once again photographed having a smoke, drinking, and engaging in a nice Frenchie with a man who looks a bit like Joe Hart. If it is Hart, then that's what I'm angriest at. Why him? He's a knob.

As far as smoking and drinking goes, a lot of footballers do it. We know this. I'm not disappointed in Wilshere for doing it, although surely his health won't exactly benefit from it. I just wish he could do these things more discretely. Don't give tabloids a reason to target Arsenal players, it ensures that these "journalists" keep their jobs and can continue trashing us for no apparent reason other than that none of them are arse men. (Get it? Because our name is Arsenal? I thought it was funny.)

And that concludes today's episode of DNArsenal. Tune in next time to (hopefully) find out what happens to Debuchy. Even though you'll probably already know because I'll find out at the same time you lot do. But whatever.

Thank you very much for reading, be sure to leave a comment with a potential song for a certain Chilean and maybe give me a follow on Twitter, @DNArsenal. I'm lonely over there, but me and my 36 followers have a jolly old time.

Thanks again, and enjoy the remainder of your week. May it be worry free and Arsenal plenty.

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Tags: Arsenal FC, Wilshere, Goonersphere, Özil, Debuchy, Arsenal Football Club, Sanchez, Khedira, Ospina, Neil Ashton

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