Alternative End Of Season Awards

The Kelis “I hate you so much right now!” award for beef

Kelly Smith is probably in her final season as a footballer. One of the greatest female footballers of all time, Kelly’s farewell may have been expedited by an old foe. Injury. Smith, 36, has broken her ankle, her metatarsal, ruptured her cruciate ligament and the cartilage in one of her knees was surgically replaced with the achilles of a biker that died in a road accident. Two of these nasty injuries have been inflicted by bad tackles, so when Sunderland’s Abby Holmes threw her full bodyweight onto Smith’s ankle back in April, Smith felt the injury demons at close quarters again.

Smith has undergone surgery and it is very much in the balance as to whether she will play again. Kelly’s reaction was not exactly diplomatic. “Sure, she apologised as I got stretchered off and Sunderland subsequently apologised to Arsenal. That’s all well and good but she should be thinking more about how to tackle, not how to apologise. Those type of tackles end careers. Does she really want to end someone’s career?

“She’s clearly not good enough to be playing at this level and while she gets a three-match ban I, in effect, get a 15-game ban in the league as well as cup games. I know many, many people are in far worse situations in life than me. I have good people around me and I can assure you I will get through this … But I am absolutely furious and I can’t get that tackle out of my head.”

Smith curtly articulated an argument many an Arsenal fan will have voiced in the various fallouts of injuries to Diaby, Eduardo and Ramsey. Abby Holmes has responded by seeking legal advice and Sunderland reported Smith to the FA (hurt feelings are worse than broken ankles, you see). The FA rebuked Smith for her remarks. Holmes was suspended for one match because the tackle was a symptom of a professional foul and not, in the referee’s opinion, violent conduct. 

The “u ok hun?” award for boiled piss

The Chelsea PR team for their hysterical response to some very mild roister doistering from Arsenal fans that chanted “boring, boring Chelsea.” My LORD didn’t they go on and ooooonnnnn about it?!

The “scenes we don’t like to see” disappointing moment of the season award

It has to be the lanky frame of Arsene Wenger stood over a cowering Jose Mourinho on the touchline at Stamford Bridge, stamping his feet like a baby elephant and rearing his tusks, as he petulantly shoved the Portuguese. His role carries certain responsibilities and to see him charge up to Mourinho so aggressively in such close quarters fashion and not head-butt him was a profound disappointment. It was unbecoming of an Arsenal manager.

The “LOL @ u” moment of the season

Arsenal somehow tossing away an insurmountable 3-0 home lead against lowly Anderlecht. Or as they shall henceforth be known- Banterlecht.

The “ya daft racist” apology of the season award

Top marks to the League Managers’ Association, whose attempt at absolving Malky Mackay’s email misdemeanours was so ham fisted, that they were forced to apologise for their own apology - a metapology if you will. In doing so, they presumably forewarned FIFA’s communications bods not to try and dismiss massive charges of bribery and corruption as “friendly fiscal banter.”

The “calm down, calm down?” award for sensitivity

Criticise David Ospina on twitter and look on aghast at your mentions. Honestly, it’s like the Candyman.

The lasagne chef award for schadenfreude

It’s FA Cup fourth round weekend. Arsenal’s fixture at Brighton is scheduled for the Sunday. On the Saturday afternoon, Manchester City, Chelsea and Spurs all have routine looking home ties. Soccer Saturday is on the telly box and I’m sat chillin' out maxin' relaxin' all cool. Things quickly take a turn for the worse for all three teams, before surely the most hilarious sixty seconds of the season unfolds.

With Boro a goal up away at City in the dying embers, Jeff Stelling growls, “GOAL AT THE ETIHAD!” Bollocks, clearly City have equalised to force an undeserved rep……WHAT? Boro have tied up a famous win in stoppage time. Brilliant! Meanwhile, Chelsea are trailing 3-2 at home to Bradford, “SIX MINUTES STOPPAGE TIME AT THE BRIDGE!” an increasingly excitable Stelling proclaims, followed seconds later by, “GOAL AT STAMFORD BRIDGE!” Fuck it, those jammy bastards have narrowly avoided a very amusing humili…..

“BUT NOT FOR CHELSEA!” Suddenly I find I have involuntarily leapt from the sofa. Stelling, by now close to spontaneous combustion then provides the coup de grace, the post script to end all post scripts, with Spurs drawing 1-1 at home to Leicester in stoppage time he yells, “GOAL AT WHITE HART LANE!” Oh well, you can’t win them all……..”FOR LEICESTER!” Already breathless from the preceding 45 seconds, my wife and I just look at one another in amazement and laugh. Laughing at your rivals is an amusing and healthy part of being a football fan, but it’s rare that it produces such euphoria. With all three goals coming within such quick succession, it was impossible not to laugh at the ridiculousness of it all. On a practical level, it was also a crucial sixty seconds for Arsenal’s successful defence of the FA Cup.

Moment of the season

A two way tie for me, both moments emanating from Arsenal’s FA Cup campaign. Danny Welbeck’s winning goal at Old Trafford. One of the genuine stranger hugging victories of the season, a win at Old Trafford had been a long time coming and for the gloss to be applied by an ex United player felt like a small measure of payback. Especially given the van Persie shenanigans that we have been forced to swallow. As a supporter, you know the terrace battleground has been secured when the opposing fans do not respond and instead expertly try to avoid your gloating gaze. The silence that met, “Danny Welbeck, he left cos you’re shit!” was glorious.

Then there was Alexis Sanchez’s ripsnorter in the FA Cup Final. It was the cherry on the cake of a season and a moment that encapsulated the little Chilean’s impact on the team this year. If you had told me the day before the final that an Arsenal player was going to wallop a shot in off the underside of the crossbar from thirty yards, I wouldn’t have skipped a beat in guessing who would administer the blow. His debut season in England has revealed an infectious, tireless and explosive footballer capable of moments that force you to draw breath. Just watch Shay Given’s resigned smirk as the Arsenal players wheel away in celebration. Alexis produced it on the biggest stage, we are truly blessed to have him.

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